Monday, June 9, 2014

And now for something completely different

So a week ago, fellow fantasy author and all around hilarious fellow Sam Sykes made me an offer I could not refuse. He was going to be running a panel at this year's Phoenix Comicon called the Batsu, or Punishment Game, and he needed my help.

"The goal of this game," he told me, "is to make the panelists laugh so that they will be punished. To do this, I have asked certain authors to pen half a page or so of fanfiction about one of the panelists doing something weird in a suitably epic style. My problem was that A) I had too many male authors, B) not enough fanfiction about the female panelists. Fortunately there is a solution in C) I love your work, D) I would like you write me half a page of fanfiction about Delilah S. Dawson."

I considered this for about 0.00001 seconds before screaming yes so loud the internet shook. I love Delilah and her books almost as much as I love fanfiction, and I accepted the challenge with manic glee. I emailed Sam the finished product at 7 the next morning, chuckling at the image of Delilah desperately trying to read it with a straight face in front of a crowd. My only sadness was that I wouldn't be there to witness the awesomeness myself.

Unfortunately, I had to add a second sadness. In all the rush of the con, there wasn't enough time to get to my short piece of epic author fanfic. But here on the internet, we have all the time in the world, and so I present to you, my darling, hapless reader, my first work of fanfiction in many years. I hope you enjoy it, and if you don't, blame Sam Sykes. It was his idea.

Pretentious Title Presents 
an original authorial fanfiction by Rachel Aaron, who should probably be ashamed of herself.

In a dank, forgotten fold of the internet, in the crumbling remnants of an ancient Yahoo! message board, a meeting was taking place. Five users, fans since the beginnings of fandom, had gathered in a little used subforum to discuss a new and pernicious threat. Perhaps the greatest threat to geekdom as they knew it...

Delilah S. Dawson.


“That sounds kind of cool, actually,” typed TheRealGandalf. “Is the chick hot?”


The posters gave a collective shudder.

“She must be stopped,” opined their leader, HeinlinTrooper1980. “As guardians of the One True Genre, it is our sacred duty to let her know that her foolish love stories and mancandy covers are not welcome on our shelves.”

“But we can't get through her online presence,”said NedStarkDies. “Our completely rational twenty thousand word posts explaining in detail how she's not writing real genre fiction keep getting flamed down by her masses of fans gushing about her awesome characters and LOLing at quotes from her absurdly precious son.”


“Quiet!” cried HeinlinTrooper1980. “This is serious. Phoenix Comicon is only a few days away, and she's a writing guest. If she's successful, the wave of malicious women intent on ruining all that is good and pure in classic SFF will only grow stronger. She must be stopped."

"But how?" asked TheRealGandalf. "She's too powerful."

HeinlinTrooper1980 inserted a grave looking emoticon. "If we can not get to her online, then we must go to the source. We must travel to her home in the wilds of Georgia and tell her from a non-prosecutable distance that we know she's not a Real Geek Girl, and we will no longer tolerate her incursions into our sacred fandoms. Lurker, is your van ready?”

As ever, the Lurker said nothing.

“Then it is settled,” said HeinlinTrooper1980. “To Georgia!”

The next day, all the forum members had left their basements and piled into the Lurker's Mazda MVP of Righteousness for the harrowing drive south. After getting lost numerous times, they arrived at Delilah S. Dawson's country home to find their enemy already waiting--her posture held ramrod straight by a fashionable corset, her raven hair flowing in the wind as she surveyed the intruders.

It was an imposing sight, but HeinlinTrooper1980 gathered his self righteousness around him like a shield and stepped forward. “Delilah S. Dawson! Your constant links to cute cowboy boots and beautifully filtered horse selfies have proven that you can not be a true geek. Furthermore, your insistence on bringing emotionally meaningful sexual encounters into the hallowed shelves of SFF represents a grave threat to all genre, and we will tolerate it no further! The thousand blogs of the True Fandom are allied against you! OUR POSTS SHALL BLOT OUT THE SUN!”

Delilah S. Dawson looked him level in the eyes and said, “Then I will write in the shade.”

The self-styled guardians of the One True Genre shrank back, and Delilah gave them a chilling smile. “Your should have kept this online. There, you would only have been ignored. In the real world, my powers are far, far greater.”

“Y-you're bluffing,” HeinlinTrooper1980 stuttered. “Your thousands of Twitter followers can't help you here! You have nothing!”

Delilah S. Dawson cocked a perfectly manicured eyebrow. “And you have obviously never read one of my books.”

HeinlinTrooper1980 opened his mouth to cry that of course he had not, and that The Damsel and the Daggerman was most definitely not his favorite, and that he absolutely did not find Criminy Stain's roguish charm to be irresistible, but it was too late. The ground was already shaking as a red-eyed tide of fanged, fluffy, adorable evil swelled up from below Delilah S. Dawson's porch.

“NO!” GokuFan cried, trying in vain to cover all his exposed skin. “BLUDBUNNIES!!”

That was the last sound any of them made before the vampire bunnies began to feed. Back on her porch, Delilah S. Dawson just smiled at the carnage before stepping back inside to pack.

She had a con to attend, after all.


And thus concludes the fictional portion of our show! Thanks for putting up with me, but I couldn't let that languish in my email unread, could I? Also, if you actually enjoy Yahoo! message groups, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to tar you with the same broad brush :D

Regular writing posts will resume shortly, I promise. Until then, I remain your humble author,

Rachel Aaron/Bach


Jennifer R. Donohue said...

No, it would have been a disservice to the world to allow that to go unread!

I lost it as "Then I will write in the shade."

Unknown said...

Oh my god! This made my day. I can't stop giggling. This is my kind of fanfic.

I actually found this while trying to Google whether or not you've ever been to Phoenix Comicon or plan on going. It's not what I was looking for, but I have no regrets. lol


Have you ever been, by the way? Would you ever consider going/going again? My favorite part of PCC has been meeting all the great and wonderful authors of my favorite books in person. Every year since I first read your Eli Monpress series, I've checked the line-up to see if you might be coming, but sadly, I haven't been able to experience the joy of reading your name on that list. I've always wondered what it would take to see your name on that list one of these years...

(Sorry if this is not the place to ask this sort of question, it would just really be amazing for me if you came to PCC.)